Pleasing & Placating
Your stomach or chest tenses up when you think about saying things that might make someone upset or angry. It’s scary to even voice what you’re wanting or needing because you might get rejected, criticized, or dismissed.
You go along with what others expect of you, believing that your needs don’t really matter.
You’ve gotten so used to pushing away your feelings and needs because they seem BAD that it’s hard to tell what they are anymore. It’s much easier to notice what other people are feeling and acting (or reacting) accordingly.
After years of overly saying “Yes” and underly saying “No”, you’ve got way too many one-sided relationships. You do a TON of things for others - you cook, clean, buy thoughtful gifts, spend hours helping others with their projects…and for what?
Love Depleted
Over time, you become exhausted, burned out, and resentful, having ignored your needs and wants until you’re surrounded by people who don’t really think about you as much as you think about them.
Then a loved one says an insensitive comment or forgets that it’s your anniversary, and you burst out with tears and words that no one can make out.
Then you’re told that you’re being too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too selfish, or “high maintenance.”
Then you stuff your feelings all over again, because though these relationships are painful, being alone is even more terrifying.
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Why Can’t I Be Loved?
Does this sound familiar?
The reason why you can’t have thriving relationships might not be what you think. It’s NOT because you’re unlovable or that there’s something wrong with you.
It’s really because you don’t really believe that you are inherently worthy of love and instead have a shame engine that drives you to forgo yourself and your needs to become likable and avoid rejection.
Being flexible and accommodating is an important skill, but when you do it so often that you lose connection with yourself and what you want, it’s impossible to have a relationship.
Relationships involve two whole people who have the capacity to love BOTH self AND others, not EITHER self OR others.
Live & Love Well
My name is Joanne
I can help you create vibrant, wholesome relationships where YOU MATTER, TOO. The descriptions I wrote above are excerpts from my own life and from the hundreds of people I’ve supported as a relationship therapist.
I use tools the following tools:
- The Enneagram (which describes patterns of thinking, feeling, doing, and relating), and
- Brainspotting (which heals trauma reactions that are stored in your body),
We can resolve what’s keeping you stuck in soul-sucking dynamics so that you can finally build the kind of life and connections you’ve always dreamed of.
Unlearning a lifetime of habits can be hard work, but it’s so worth it because YOU’RE so worth it.
No more lopsided connections fraught with anxiety and guilt! Let’s create thriving relationships, starting with the one with yourself.
Want to learn how to LOVE and BE LOVED?
Click here to schedule a free 15-min consultation for counseling.
Each of the human survival instincts - Self-preservation (SP), Social (SO), and Sexual (SX) - have their respective bias towards certain relationship habits. See which one resonates with you.